"[My diagnosis] has been life-changing for me and so helpful." Photo / 123rf
New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: I am a teenager who was recently diagnosed with autism after years of struggle. It has been life-changing for me and so helpful. I strongly suspect that my best friend has autism, too. She shares many of the traits that factored into my diagnosis, and she is also struggling. I want to help her, but I worry that it’s not my place to bring it up or that she may react negatively. I’ve told her about my diagnosis, of course, but it was a brief conversation. We speak to each other pretty deeply, so I think I could share my observations with her – but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. Advice? – TEEN
A: I’m so pleased that your diagnosis has brought you relief! For many people who are diagnosed later in life – that is to say, not as young children – the realisation can often help them to reframe negative or confusing experiences as a result of sensory or social differences. A formal diagnosis can also provide a road map for accommodations at school or at work, as well as connection to specialised therapies and a community of neurodivergent peers. I hope you take advantage of all these opportunities.
Still, I think you are wise to be cautious with your friend. Your autism was most likely identified by a specialist with many years of training and experience – not by a newly diagnosed teenager. Your friend deserves the same quality of care. Now, I absolutely trust that your motivation is to help her, but it is not helpful, in my experience, when lay people make (or suggest) diagnoses that we are not qualified to make. (Shout-out to those who label people “on the spectrum” without any training!)
Two ideas for you: ask your therapist or the clinician who made your diagnosis for advice about speaking to your friend. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation: some people might bristle at the suggestion of a neurological disorder. And, generally, sensitive issues are better broached with questions that open doors for people – not with declarations. For instance: “Have you ever wondered if you are on the spectrum?” Then listen to what your friend has to say.
Q: I often chat with an acquaintance in my neighbourhood when we meet on the street. Recently, I told him that I am renting a place in Florida this winter and becoming a snowbird for the first time. He asked how much I would be paying in rent. I told him. When I saw him a few days later, he asked me how I could afford it. How would you respond to such indelicate questions? – NEIGHBOUR
A: I rarely talk about my personal finances. This means that I have developed quick reflexes for fending off questions about money – because they are not infrequent, in my experience. Generally, I use two approaches: the reversal (“That’s an awfully personal question! Why do you ask?”) and the evasion (“There are places available in a range of prices. Are you looking for one?”). The second approach is friendlier, but the first one is more effective at stopping nosy people in their tracks.
Q: My husband and I often make plans to meet friends for dinner. Twice now, couples whom we planned to meet at local restaurants cancelled at the last minute and asked us to come to dinner at their homes that evening instead. The restaurants we had chosen were not expensive, and I think the impulse, in both cases, was to have quieter, more intimate evenings at home. But I like restaurants! I’m a picky eater, and I enjoy a professionally mixed cocktail and a buzzier ambience. It’s frustrating to be asked to change plans at the last minute. Am I being inflexible? — DINER
A: This situation seems odd to me. The only time I had an experience like yours, there were young children involved, and my friend’s childcare had fallen through. But I take it that that was not the case here. I also wonder: did your friends offer dinner at their place as a possible alternative to the restaurant – or as the only alternative?
In any event, you have no duty to accommodate changes to agreed plans at the last minute. If it happens again, say: “Thanks for asking, but I was looking forward to eating at the restaurant. Let’s do it another night when you can meet us there.” This way, they will know that the venue matters to you when you make plans with them.
Q: A couple I’ve known for 25 years is going through a horrendous time: the husband was arrested on suspicion of murder, and the wife has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. We were close when our children were young, but I have not been in contact with them for years. I’d like to reach out to the wife to tell her that I’m thinking of her during this difficult time, but that seems hollow to me. Should I stay out of it? — FRIEND
A: Of course you should reach out to your old friend. Send her a note with your love or drop off some soothing ginger tea or homemade applesauce. (My mother loved them both when she was in treatment.) You don’t have to be on her recent call list to tell her that you care about her.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
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